Involution
I had therapy today with Jess, and for the first time I let my walls down in a way I hadn’t before. I actually forgot I even had the appointment scheduled until I got a text reminder, thank god for Zoom sessions - I was only three minutes late. Normally, this would have sent me into a fluster, not being “prepared” with what I wanted to talk about. This went in my favor, I had no time to overthink or second guess if my feelings were worth a professional hearing about them or not. Jess is my first therapist I view as a “friend” and not just a medical clinician - which has benefited me greatly. It’s easy for me to look at my past trauma through my academia lense, I am fully aware of my triggers, reactions, and their reasonings. But Jess humanizes my feelings, she grounds me and them, together as one. I don’t leave those sessions feeling dissected, I feel put back together with a pretty bow on my forehead. She makes me feel seen and heard, normal in essence.
Zoomed out insights
I feel like I play in a different arena than majority of others on Earth. Some are putting around in a Minecraft server but I’m like an awakening character in the show Westworld on HBO. All born onto the same playing field, have the same technical resources to mine and collect for advancement. We are told the world is ours, all we have to do is try our best. Be the best human you can be to yourself and others, take care of each other, love each other, and all will be well. This confused me because the players in my version didn’t seem to follow those rules and it was me against everyone else. I was treated like the villain in the story yet I only fought for obvious justice. I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to help me? There wasn’t a village of people or resources to go to when I had none at home? I became openly resentful, depressed, and convinced something was wrong with me because “why was I playing on the hardcore-extreme difficulty when everyone else seemed to be on easy mode?” And why the fuck were a few people getting to live on creative mode and seemingly getting everything they wanted? It felt like I had dreadful paranoia, a constant death rattle loud in my ears, “if you mess up once you don’t get to respawn like everyone else, you only get one chance.” Imagine being gaslit for two decades about what life is and should be, and then realizing it was all a lie at the most pivotal time of starting adulthood.
Brief context
Early childhood is beautiful because that’s still the truth - we all go out of our way to make sure children under 5 are experiencing the world at its absolute best every moment possible. Then at a certain point, when we start speaking up, questioning why things aren’t the way they were promised to be - we become the problem. Life begins to harden quickly. Rather than drawl on through my traumas of my childhood, the wounds I collected, because to their core they are not unique to my generational (Z) experience - Rejection, Overwhelm, Judgement, Loss, Distrust, Inadequacy, Violation, Insecurity.
—> Every single “3D Human Suffering” experience result, I received in my first two decades of breath. Blossoming in childhood, perpetuated through my prepubescent years, crystallization during my teens, and carved permanently into my soul by 19 - I was bent out of shape. Sometime during September 2019, a spiritual reckoning began within me, triggered by wisdom, not inspired religious beliefs. I haven’t finished college just yet, but I have done enough to know what I’m talking about in the medical/psychology field. My favorite class: Abnormal Psychology, woke me up from the false “mental illness” veil that was draped over me by my society. The explosive meltdowns I was experiencing from the demon that warlock injected into me in July 2017, easily fit into the DSM-5 symptom checklist for “this bitch is fucking off her rocker,” medicate her, silence her, hang her in court for “being a witch,” narrative.
Losing two cat lives
So I’d tip toe around life in a sense, but when I was at my most broken self, testing death was what made me feel alive. Drugs, downers, pain killers. No one just starts doing drugs when they are happy and productive members of society. No one puts being addicted to drugs on their vision boards. No one takes their addicted dad to parent career day for elementary school. When I say, taking fentanyl is the best feeling and experience you could possibly have on Earth, I mean it. I’ve unintentionally overdosed twice on it. It’s a risky gamble taking pills, I never used them to purposefully kill myself, but there were days I probably wouldn’t have necessarily cared if it were the last. I’ve fully heart stopped, blue faced, white mouth foamed, died twice, and I was forced back onto this planet by our Creator for some God forsaken reason. I’m not allowed to leave this planet anytime soon, trust me, I put up a fight for my immediate resignation when I had the opportunity. I was gifted with the memory of that conversation between the universe and I to keep after my near death experience. Talking to the light is a feeling, not a verbal language. Anyone can claim to talk to, or understand God, but not many know the true meaning of the feeling. Not many can deliver the feeling through their words because they don’t truly speak through his channel.
Can’t scare the dead girl
The Other Side is a slay - way better than this place. I know what waits for you and I after. It keeps me faithful rather than cynical, because I know the karmic laws and what a loving process it truly is for everyone. My NDE’s changed my perception of death, its dramatically shifted my energy, it feels like people fear me because I am fearless. I’m unsettling to be around, you never know what to expect from me because I don’t feel the constraints of societal fear anymore. I know my destination after this life is euphoric, I don’t fear death, I don’t fear guilt or shame for not speaking up or fighting for change. I have an unshakable inner knowing after meeting the other side. Even after being subjected to ritual rape, habitual gaslighting, generational curses, dark hexes and suppressed expression. I have been on every atmospheric level, frequency tone, wave length, spirit channel that you possibly can be as a human. That’s something rare and different that you cannot buy. I have no fear because we are all one, to kill me is to kill yourself. To rape me, is to rape yourself. I went through an Ego death that lasted two years, an inner knowing suicide. I did the Inner Work through spiritual practice. I got to know my demon, I got to learn from her and she eventually let me teach her. We learned a secret language together. When people hear and read “Our” story, I have the style and gift of nonfiction-fairytale narrative storytelling. I have the gift of embodiment, I can allow readers to sit in her body and feel what she felt, experience what I experienced, I offer energy telling. You cannot scare someone who knows what you fear most, God. I know the answers to the biggest unknown fear: death, what happens after? And a God fearing man, to his core, knows what I know what waits him at those gates of Hell. Even the Devil and his demons enjoy the veil of illusion they’ve created.
Trigger Warning: Graphic SA Details